Marketed and sold as a unisex anal probe, you’ll often see Aneros’ Tempo described as a ‘work of art’. That’s no exaggeration – for a sex toy (and I use the term broadly since this is more of a sculpture than a toy) this really is impressive. So impressive that if it weren’t for the way this feels then you could be forgiven for wanting to spend more time looking at the thing than actually using it.
When I bought this it was my first steel toy, but it soon led to others (namely several Njoy products). Not only does it work with any body-safe lube you care to throw at it, it couldn’t be easier to clean with hot, soapy water. There are no sharp edges or grooves on the Tempo either, so thorough cleaning is quick and easy. Steel can be cooled (fridge or cold water) or warmed either with warm water or holding it close, and no matter how hot or cold it is at first it always ends up coming back to your body temperature. In fact one of the things that’s surprised me about using the Tempo is just how hot it feels when I remove it, despite usually cooling it first. Turns out my wife was right when she told me I had a ‘hot ass’!
A lot of research went into the Agency’s latest bugging device
The idea behind the Tempo is that it’s a massager rather than a P-spot toy. It’s important to make that distinction here. Most Aneros products are aimed at men and their prostates, whereas the Tempo is listed as being unisex and not something that men should necessarily be aiming at their prostates anyway. The Aneros website has this to say about what the Tempo actually is:
In the tradition of our acclaimed Peridise massagers, strategically placed knobs utilize the natural rhythms of the inner and outer sphincters. Once inserted, both sphincters spontaneously contract causing this stainless steel beauty to quiver. With a little practice, the Tempo will provide amazingly powerful performances. Use it by yourself or with a partner, both men and women will love exploring with the Tempo.
Due to the size and nature of the Tempo, it can be used by both beginners and those who are more seasoned in anal play and exploration. Whether you’ll get as much out of it as the next person is subjective, but it’s certainly something that can – in theory – be used by all as a tool to stimulate the first few inches of the anal passage. Think of it as kegels for your butt and you’ll have a good idea of what you’re supposed to expect from this.
Made of highly-polished medical-grade stainless steel and weighing a hefty 8oz (that’s half a pound in case you don’t get into the kitchen much), it would be easy to think that this would be like shoving a lump of metal up your backside. But no, this is no ordinary ‘lump’ of metal. In fact it’s not even a lump. The design has obviously been researched thoroughly and even those new to anal play or probes will find it a pleasure to work with.
These new Monopoly pieces are so much more fun than the old ones!
A quick word of warning though – Stainless Steel contains Nickel, so this shouldn’t be used if you know you are allergic to – or have experienced discomfort using – products that contain Nickel.
The Tempo comes in at just 4 1/2″ overall but of that only a maximum of about 3 1/2″ will actually enter your body. The widest point is the bulb at the top and even that is only 7/8″ – a fraction wider than the average index finger and a lot easier to insert (trust me, I know). What’s better about this though is that the rounded tip makes this a pleasure to put inside your willing little hole. Lubed up with your lube of choice – be it water, silicone or oil based – you almost feel as though it would be rude not to put this inside you!
In theory, you’d expect this to get 5 stars from us, especially if you’ve been researching it for yourself. The potential is all there – unassuming, friendly shape and size, impressive weight, etc. But… well there’s that word, ‘but’. And – appropriately for an anal product – it’s a big but and I cannot lie. The paradox is that while this is extremely easy to use, it’s incredibly difficult to get anything out of it without either a lot of practice or mastering some long-forgotten Zen booty techniques that it seems only a handful of select students will ever accomplish.
“You may leave when you can walk on rice paper with the Tempo inserted in your backside”
Sometimes a more expensive toy will be very nice but the packaging can look like an afterthought (our Realdoe Slim
being a perfect example), but at other times the packaging compliments the toy perfectly. I’m glad to report that that’s the case here. Aneros supplies the Tempo in a very nice box made of thick black card lined in red satin with an indentation that the Tempo fits into perfectly. If you’re giving the Tempo as a gift then the box would make for a perfect presentation. Also included is a small, two-sided instruction leaflet, and while it doesn’t give too much information, it gives everything you’d probably need to know and is printed on nice, glossy paper. The little touches are always appreciated, and my only complaint – if you can call it that – is that when it sits in its box it almost looks like something either Dracula or a Catholic Priest (or both) would own.
“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned” “You’re forgiven. I’ve got one of those too”
In the first month or so after buying the Tempo, I’d say I’ve gave it over 60 hours of attention. But now, some seven months after buying it, I’m disappointed (or relieved) to see that there are other people out there who’ve had this for months and still haven’t had the same results as a handful of fortunate owners. “Be patient”, the believers will tell them. “Relax and it will happen”. Now while I REALLY want this to happen, it’s starting to smack of snake-oil to me, and I wonder whether people are willing this to work and are convincing themselves and others that it really does.As for me, I’m most disappointed that this isn’t something you can just make a little time for and get to your happy place. It’s certainly a high-end toy, but unless you’re lucky it’s not one you’re going to get quick results from – if you get any at all.One other thing that I think is worth mentioning is the size of the base. As you’ll see from the stock image near the top of this review, the base measures just 1 3/8″ across, with a tapered top. I’ve read reports of people sleeping with this inserted but I definitely don’t recommend that. Even though the base has that flare on it, it doesn’t have the width of many of our dildos and I have a constant fear that it’s going to go somewhere and never come back. Further research led me to discovering that the ‘working part’ of the Tempo is at the top, and if it’s in as far as the base then it’s in too far. The problem is that at times it wants to go in that far. I’d have been happier with a wider base, even just an extra 1/8″ on either side. Better still would have been a pre-drilled hole that you could put a little loop of something through ‘just in case’.
The instructions. Brilliantly simple or simply unattainable?
Although I had high hopes for the Tempo, I knew that aiming too high would leave me disappointed. So while I was hoping for a mind-blowing product, I’d resigned myself to something more “Oooh, that’s nice”. The problem is that while it is nice
, there’s either a huge learning curve or my body just won’t bring out the best in this.The idea it is that you play your own little private game of ‘just the tip’ (or get a partner to help you – that’s definitely fun!). That’s to say, DON’T just shove the whole thing up there like it’s a high-end butt plug. It’s suggested that you lie on your back or side after first making sure you’re ‘empty’, clean and relaxed. Lube yourself up and apply just a little to the Tempo itself. Being steel means you can use a fraction of the lube you’d use for other anal toys before easing the bulb into yourself (or your partner) and wait. The idea – apparently – is for your sphincter muscles to do what they do best and work this into you themselves. But when I put the tip of the Tempo inside me, it just sort of sat there, as if asking me “Well?”. A little deliberate contracting and relaxing gradually brought more of the Tempo into my body but even then, it just sat in place like a surly teenager at a family reunion.I’d already done a fair amount of research into the Tempo, and it seemed that the people who weren’t getting the instant head-spinning factor were being told to relax, let it do the work, put it in and forget about it, treat it as a kegal exerciser, or any number of other variations on a theme. So I lay there, sometimes contracting, sometimes pushing down, sometimes on my side, sometimes on my back. Occasionally I’d pull my knees up, at other times I just bent them with the soles of my feet flat on the bed. I even tried getting out our Little Deeper Cushion
and ‘assumed the position’ over it as though about to be fucked doggy-style. But still nothing.
Reading back over my review, I’m worried it gives the impression that I don’t like the Tempo, but that’s really not the truth. It’s beautifully made and is totally unlike any other toy I own. It’s just that the steep learning curve and potential lack of results is what stops this from being the perfect anal toy. Unfortunately while it feels wonderful inside the body, I’m just not getting the ‘wow’ factor that others are reporting. Will this take you to the land of what Aneros calls the ‘Super-O’? Only time – and apparently lots of it – will tell. The quality and design should mean 5 stars, but we have to take one off since it’s next to impossible to get it to do what it’s supposed to.
This review was originally written by me and published on edenfantasys.com